Loving Lola- Ch. 48

Taking the night off.

Sam arrives home, goes straight to his room, not saying a word shutting the door behind him. As the front door slams shut, Tiana rushes in to greet Sam but is too late to catch him. When Sophie looks at the time, she sees that again, it is 10am. Since signing the lease to the studio, Sam has been pulling 12 hour shifts back to back, working tirelessly trying to raise the remaining $1,700 in time. Tiana slowly walks back to her mother and sits down looking at her with a sad face, “awe come here baby, it’s okay, Uncle Sam is just a little tired right now,” “but why?” Tiana asks softly, Sophie holds her tight, “he’s trying to be a big boy… but I promise, he’s going to be back to fun Uncle Sam soon, okay?” Sophie says kissing her forehead. “In the meantime, how about I make your favorite, chocolate chip pancakes?” she asks giving her eskimo kisses, “no, pasta.” Tiana says, “Pasta? For breakfast?” Sophie asks confused, “it’s Uncle Sam’s favorite, and maybe when he wakes up, he will be happy and feel better,” she says fiddling with her doll. Sophie smiles, “I think that’s a great idea, pasta it is.”

When Sam wakes up, he is still disorientated and hazy from the lack of rest, so he lays there for a moment trying to fully wake up. He feels around the nightstand for his phone but does not seem to find it. Remembering that his phone is still in his pants pocket, he realizes that he was too tired to change out of his uniform before getting into bed. Reaching into his pocket for his phone, he hopes that it still has some juice left to at least tell him the time. It does not. He slowly maneuvers out of bed, putting his phone on the charger, sluggishly making his way to the bathroom. He turns on the water in the shower and just stands there. He looks at himself in the mirror and feels disgust, but he is too exhausted to care. Once out of the shower, he brushes his teeth, puts on sweatpants and a t-shirt then heads to kitchen for something to eat. Sophie and Tiana are in the living room watching television when he notices a big pot on the stove. He goes to lift the lid and is surprised to see that it is his favorite pasta. Before he is able to react, he sees Tiana peeking at him from around the corner, “she wanted to surprise you since you’ve been working so hard,” Sophie says to him. Sam walks over to Tiana and squats down, “is that true Tiana?” She nods her head yes, “I wanted you to feel better,” she says fiddling with her doll. Sam smiles and picks her up squeezing her tight, “I feel a lot better, thank you,” he says kissing her on the forehead. Tiana smiles and hugs him back.

“So, I guess you’re working tonight to huh?” Sophie asks. Sam looks at her, then at Tiana and notices her change in demeaner, “naw,” he says eating a big fork full of pasta, “I was thinking of hanging out around here tonight, that is if that’s okay with you guys?” Both Sophie and Tiana cannot contain their excitement. Sophie rushes to her room and returns with a piece of paper. “Since you’re taking the night off, I was hoping that you’d go with us to the Artis et Operis Gallery showcase tonight. It opens at 8pm and I hear it’s going to be amazing.” Sam looks at the flyer and hesitates for a moment, “everyone in the city will basically be there,” Sophie adds. “I guess it would be nice to see what kinds of talents I’ll be up against in this city,” Sophie jumps with excitement and hugs him tight, “yes! This is perfect! I haven’t been to an art showcase since, hell, the last one you were in, I’m so excited! Oh crap, you said yes, what am I going to wear?” she says rushing off to her room. Sam grabs the flyer and takes a deep sigh, “I hope I still have what it takes Sophie…” Tiana walks over to him, places her hand on his knee, and smiles.

Loving Lola- Ch. 22

Self Love.

“Lola, forget the men. Forget the relationships. Forget trying to be enough for everyone else, you need to be enough for you, you need to love yourself. Do you love yourself?” “Of course I do.” “Are you sure? Because the woman I see here does not seem like she deems herself worthy of love from anyone, especially herself.” “I’m not some frail flower who wants to off herself because men suck, I love me okay? This is just how I cope.” “I don’t believe that this is just a coping mechanism, and I don’t think you do either.” “Giselle, no offense, but you have no jurisdiction to tell me how I feel about myself. You don’t have to go through what I go through because EVERYONE loves you. You can have any man you want. I mean come on, you’re smart, and beautiful, and dad’s favorite. You are a natural born leader, people look up to you, they have always looked up to you; you’re flawless. So, I’m sorry if me not wanting to get hurt anymore comes off as having no self-worth, if anything, I think that means I love myself more than enough to not accept that shit any further.” “Flawless? Are you serious? Where have you been? My life is far from perfect. I must tell myself I am beautiful every day because if I don’t, I won’t ever hear it. Men may flock to me, but it is only because of my position of power. They just want to sleep with the face of the company, hoping that fucking the President will ensure a higher standing with our father. Nonetheless, even as the CEO’s daughter, I had to work my ass off to get to where I am. Since I am woman, a black woman at that, Corporate America is not kind to me. Yes, I am smart, but do not think anything was given to me. I fight hard as fuck to prove to OUR father that I am good enough to stay where I am. The shit yall see on the outside is just the brand. So, when I ask if you love yourself, it is not an assumption, because I know exactly what not having self-worth looks like. I have dealt with it my entire life. They have groomed me into being someone I had no choice to be. It is so easy for people to look at you and feel like your life is perfect because of a position you hold, or the amount of comma’s in your bank account. I am lonely as fuck too. I will not lie and say I don’t get depressed and I don’t question if I am enough for me, because this life is double edged sword. It is so easy to not feel worthless when everything is going well, and you are happy, but can you love yourself right now when you feel like shit? I will never tell you how you should feel, because I am not you, but I am telling you that those times when you don’t feel your greatest, you, Lola, are not less worthy of love then, than when you are happy.” Lola begins to cry, she grabs her sister and hugs her tight, “Giselle I am so sorry, I know that your life hasn’t been easy, you have always looked out for us and put our needs before yours. I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish! I left you to carry this burden on your own with no thought of how you must feel. You deserve to be happy every day, because you are smart, and amazing, and beautiful. Yes, I feel worthless most days, but you guys make me feel invincible when I’ve beaten myself down. I don’t care that these guys don’t see me, because I know yall do. I know I am worth loving, because even when I can’t find the love for myself, you and Jhené give it to me. I am a work in progress, and I am slowly finding myself, but it was always because of the love you guys gave me.”

Self-Love

I want you to burn that shit inside your mind. Put it on repeat, and then rewind.

It’s appreciating every piece of the bad; going into the future, and from the past.

Acknowledging that you may have some flaws and loving that shit just because.

Knowing your perfections are built in those and understanding that none of you can be disposed.

It’s more than saying it to get through the day but believing it every step of the way.

Realizing that YOU ARE good enough, especially when the smooth turns to rough.

It’s more than having confidence because self-love doesn’t create narcissists.

You are both important and competent; worth loving and are proud of it.

But mostly, it’s about forgiveness, really, being able to bear witness.

While loving everything you have to offer; the ugly, and the beautiful with no falter.

Self Love

I want you to burn that shit inside your mind.

Put it on repeat, and then rewind.

It’s appreciating every piece of the bad;

Going into the future, and from the past.

Acknowledging that you may have some flaws,

And loving that shit just because.

Knowing your perfections are built in those,

And understanding that none of you can be disposed.

It’s more than saying it to get through the day,

But believing it every step of the way.

Realizing that YOU ARE good enough,

Especially when the smooth turns to rough.

It’s more than having confidence,

Because self love doesn’t create narcissists.

You are both important and competent,

Worth loving, and is proud of it.

But mostly, it’s about forgiveness.

Really, being able to bear witness.

And loving everything you have to offer;

The ugly, and the beautiful with no falter.

– S.T.

Poem: Diamond In The Rough

If I told you who I really was, would you stay around?

If I told you all my secrets, would that break you down?

I wish I was this mighty queen, who fearlessly rules this land,

Instead, I’m seen as the peasant girl, who will never take her stand.

I know that there is more to me, one day I know I’ll shine,

I’ll come like a storm into this world, and take back what was mine.

The necessary elements that I need were taken from me,

My confidence and self-esteem were things that made free.

My flame stomped out by passers who has long since left their mark,

They dimmed the light that burned so bright and decimated my spark.

Words and actions are powerful things, that others don’t understand,

They can be very harmful weapons when placed in the wrong hands.

The ones who use their words for evil, make the biggest threats,

They leave their trail of torture behind with little to no regret.

But one day soon, my light will come and their words won’t be so tough,

Because with me there’s more than meets the eye, I’m a diamond in the rough.

S.T.

Broken

You might push me down,

but I’ll get back up.

Try to push me around,

But I’ll keep it tough.

They won’t ever see me cry,

Because I look them all straight in the eyes.

Say what you want behind my back,

Those thin lines won’t make me crack.

Try and push me to my limits,

But you will give in, before I quit.

A fallen side, they want me to show,

But if I fall, they’d never know;

I don’t hide, I’m all exposed,

To my friends and to my foes.

Breaking me, is not an option

But those who try, must then take caution.

Heed these words that I’ve just spoken,

Because you will never leave me broken. 

S.T.

The Peculiar Owl

Henna the owl was a shy little thing, she had one big, and one little wing.

She flew in circles whenever she’d fly, so Henna made sure she stayed out of the sky.

Walked on the ground with her little feet, which made it much it easier to catch food in her beak.

“Walking’s not bad”, she’d say smiling high, but then she’d get sad seeing other birds in the sky.

“I could do that with no problem, with ease, if only I didn’t have two crooked wings”.

She walked and walked until she got tired, then sat on a rock, which then backfired.

For it wasn’t a rock, it was a shell, what was inside? She couldn’t tell.

Its eyes glowed inside, a frank hue of yellow. This creature she thought, was an odd little fellow.

She sniffed to see what it was she smelled, “Come out, come out!” She started to yell.

“I’m in here alone with nobody else!” Is he in danger? She thought to herself,

“Do you need some help, it’s quite dark in there,” then he threw out a sign that wrote out, “BEWARE”.

“Beware”, she said, as she read it out loud, “My name is Henna, I’m just an owl.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you, I just needed a rest, but I’ll leave you alone if you think that’s best”.

She walked away, or so it would seem, because when he came out, “GOTCHA!” she screamed.

“Ahhhh!”, He hollered as he scattered with frack, knocking the shell from off of his back.

“Oh no, oh no, I didn’t mean,” before she could finish, out charged something green.

He jumped from the bushes ready to attack, but Henna didn’t move, she stopped dead in her tracks.

This little thing made all this fuss? Growling, and snarling, going on as such.

He’s so cute, this green little thing, but why in the world was he acting so mean?

“Hey there little one, what’s the matter?”, “You broke my shell, look, it shattered!”

They looked, and looked and saw it around, there they were, pieces of shell on the ground.

“Collect all the pieces, I think I can help,” “you ruined my home!” The small creature yelped.

“I’m terribly sorry, walking makes me tired, so I took my rest on a rock I admired,”

“Except it wasn’t a rock, it was my home, one you ruined, now where am I to go?

If you’re an owl, why don’t you just fly, don’t birds like you belong in the sky?!”

Sad little Henna held out her wings, “Flying’s not easy with these two things.”

“One is big, and one is little, the others just laugh and gawk, so I told myself I wouldn’t fly, instead I will just walk.”

“So what if they laugh, it doesn’t mean you should stop, practice makes perfect, there’d be times where you flop.

“I know, I know, it’s just harder you see, I’d bet you walk too, that is if you were me.”

“If I were you, I’ll make’em eat their words! Fly circles around them, be the best flapping bird!”

“Little do you know, half that story’s true, I already fly in circles, it’s embarrassing too.”

“Excuses, excuses, that’s all I hear, you just won’t fly because you’re filled with fear,

Not scared of what the others will do, but mostly scared of you being you.

If you push aside your own insecurity, then and only then will you be free.”

The tiniest turtle gave the biggest advice, but it was time for Henna to pay the price.

A new home for the turtle, that is what she would pay; it was her fault it broke anyway.

“A new home indeed I’ll help you find do you have anything specific in mind?”

“Hmm wait, just let me think, Oh! I saw one just yesterday while I was taking a drink.

On the other side of the river, I saw my dream home, the perfect shell, one I could my own.

“Other side of the river”? Henna thought, “I’d have to fly over, and that I cannot”.

“Surely there’s a way to walk instead,” “over my dead body!” The little turtle said.

“Too much time would have then been wasted, besides, you’re a bird, walking’s overrated”.

“I suppose I can try, to fly across I mean, how far can it be, it’s just a silly stream.”

But far enough was the river spread and flying over is what she’d dread.

“Go ahead, you can do it, just flap your wings, there’s nothing to it!”

Her wings opened wide, they started to sprout, but she just couldn’t do it, she was filled with doubt.

“Believe in yourself, you’re holding you back, once you’re out of your way, you’ll be flying on track,

But you must trust yourself and hope you won’t fail, and then you’ll be great on any scale!”

She tried it once more, with no doubt in her mind, flying in circles with the wind it combined,

A peculiar flight pattern that has never been done, not by an owl, or by anyone.

They both were in awe and happy to see, that Henna the owl was finally free.

She grabbed the new shell and brought it back over, the turtle said, “thanks, and by the way, my name’s Clover.”

“Thank you, Clover, for helping me see, that is was always okay for me to be me.

“Oh, don’t mention it, never mind, I’m just glad I got my shell back in time.”

“Well, it’s time for me to start back flying, walking was great, but the sky’s more satisfying,

I’m a bird, in which flying was created, besides, a friend once told me, walking’s overrated.”

Henna flapped her wings and lifted into the air, flying her way, and did it with flair.

No more laughs or looks so foul, was received from Henna, the peculiar owl.

S.T.

Healthy Lifestyle 

I’m starting this workout pact with my sister, because I want to feel comfortable with myself  inside and out. So every two weeks, my goal is losing at least 10 pounds by September, (our family vacation) and that starts with a healthy diet, and a good workout plan. I’m not going to turn into one of those, “post every time they work out or eat something healthy” people, but I am going to post this, and probably my two week update; that’s not definite yet. So, here’s to healthy living, and good lifestyle changes! ❤️

S.T.